The Zodiac Roast

Astrology can be a wonderful tool to dig deeper into your own personality or the personalities of those close to you. While most people associate their zodiac sign with positive attributes (and sometimes stereotypes), astrology reveals all traits, good and bad. So think of this roast as a humbling experience.

Please stop yelling. You allow yourself to get so angry over minor inconveniences and end up hurting others. Maybe hold off on the cuss words and death threats the next time someone minorly crosses you.

Your greatest skill is making excuses every time you do something wrong. People do not want to hear why you do what you do, they just want you to stop doing it. Just own up to your mistakes.

Stop throwing tantrums when you do not get your way. I understand you are impulsive and struggle to stay in one place for too long, but please quit the “woe is me” act every time you are denied something.

Pick another emotion besides sadness to be obsessed with. You adore self-pity and playing the victim because that is the only place you feel comfortable. The world is not out to get you Cancer, you are the only thing standing in your way.

Knock down the entitlement a few notches. Just because you want something does not mean you automatically deserve to get it. Also, stop freezing people out when you do not get what you want.

Talk about someone else’s life for a change. Your anxious nature leaves you second-guessing yourself, but that does not make it fair for you to constantly assess your life decisions with whoever will listen.

My fellows Libras, where do I start? For one, would it kill you to go through with one plan? Stop flaking on everything. Second, stop pretending to be some fake (annoying) version of yourself to get people to like you. It does not work.

Sneaky, sneaky Scorpio. Your life is not a thriller, coming-of-age film, stop acting like a mysterious main character. Some people that have known you for years probably do not even know your middle name. Open up to others.

You might think I would dig on your short-temper, but no. You need to stop starting problems you cannot finish. Your short temper may spark an argument, but your flighty, conflict-avoidant nature has you leaving the discussion before the problem is resolved.

Have some fun, Capricorn, please. I mean truly, do it for everyone around you. The world may require you to be serious to survive, but you are torturing yourself and everyone around you that must listen to you complain.

Avidly trying to avoid being basic, kind of makes you basic. You want nothing more than your tombstone to read: “Not Like Other Girls.” Your actual individuality is being squashed by your incessant attempts to be quirky.

Your spirit animal should be a rabbit based on the way you jump to conclusions. You are so quick to assume everyone has a personal vendetta against you. Gather all the facts before you strike.