Illustrated by Madison M. Barr & Madelyn T. LaScala

As two experts in catwalking to class we thought it necessary to enlighten our fellow scholars on classroom couture etiquette. We ever so lightly nudge you to refer to this article upon your next dressing but by all means, let your wardrobe choices sing the anthem of self-expression! Let the satirical adventure commence!

Upon observation our fellow scholars can’t resist a pajama day. 

While we would like to believe that you’re just paying homage to your elementary years, there are practical solutions to elevate your desire to look lounged. Once risen and inevitably late for class, peel off those fleece cartoon pajama pants and reach for your perfectly worn slim Levis, they are practically sweatpants! 

*Shopping tip: No time to give your jeans the wear they deserve? Someone has done it for you at Savers, Fall River M.A.! 

If you can’t bring yourself to grab a clean shirt, tuck your sleep shirt/ graphic-tee into your jeans. If you have an extra 72 seconds, enlist the service of a belt. Bonus points if the belt matches the shoes. Don’t leave for class just yet; grab the crewneck your Aunt purchased on the 2012 family vacation (preferably Long Beach Island to show off how well traveled you are). Look at you now in your 1980’s coded ensemble!

Ten years have passed since we experienced the BOOM of appropriating the daily wear of athleisure in our society. It took a strong hold on many, but not to fret! Let’s rewind back to your father’s Y2K big business office looks. Take on his old button ups to replace your sweaty zip up. Voila, you went from classic gym bro to classic country club.

Ask yourself this one thing: Would your mother be proud to see you wearing your shower shoes to class? Don’t even ponder that because we asked her, and she said NO. If you’re seeking the convenience of sneaking your feet into the cold envelope of a slip-on shoe, try: the upper esculent man’s tan loafer, the 1970’s clog, or the 1950’s Hepburn flat. 

Let us tell you about turning practical into practically fabulous. We must talk about hats, it seems as if many of you do not know how they work. Pro tip for staying warm: Pull that hat down a few nice inches; a hat shan’t hover it shall hold. May the ears of the baseball team warm up now! Our fellow female scholars have embraced the “Coquette” aesthetic and while we are so delighted to see you are internet savvy we must call for bow reform. Bows belong in places such as, your age 7 dance recital not at your college keg party or your Intro to Enterprise presentation. If you are seeking a refreshing hair accessory with style and efficiency try a French Pin (refer to @thegoldcoastermt on Tiktok & Instagram for a tutorial). 

Alas, it’s been an EPIC journey exploring sandman style and learning that laces are so last season. Our opinions flowed out onto this column like how the Upper’s soft serve ice-cream flow onto the floor. 

We’ll be back and we’ll be watching, 

– M.B. & M.T.